


Give me your sharp thorns because you’re my flower

by summerinjun



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt, Idk it may be heartbreaking, M/M, too many people in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-06-01 20:25:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15151160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerinjun/pseuds/summerinjun
Summary: Lee Chan is in love, and he doesn’t even know it. A few petals and a gentle friend to help him find his way, but it’s a lot harder to keep breathing when the thorns grow.Too many people in love with no one to love them back. Will the love blossom or will it die in pain?





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Carats! Here’s a classic hanahaki disease story for you! I just found their song Flower recently(I’m so ashamed aah) and I fell in love with the lyrics, which match perfectly with this story! I thought I was so original and new haha but the song came out a while ago! Anyhow, our own maknae Dino set new choreo for the song, check it out it’s amazing! Hope you enjoy the story!

Chan knew something was wrong. He knew there was a problem when he woke up, unable to breath. It felt like there was a heavy weight in his chest, something sharp inside scratching at his throat. His heart burned horribly as he scrambled up in panic, racing for the bathroom.

 

He shut the door and bent over the toilet, eyes tearing up as he gagged whatever was stuck in his throat.

 

Outside, Junhui stirred from the noise and light inside the bathroom. He was careful not to wake up the sleeping Seungkwan below him as he tiptoed to the bathroom door.

 

He faintly heard the sound of gasping and crying, and he worriedly put his hand on the doorknob. “Chan?”

 

The small noises inside stopped, and Junhui turned the knob. 

 

“No!” Chan pressed against the door anxiously, “I’m fine, Jun. Please..just..give me a few minutes.”

 

Junhui’s heart sank at the sound of the maknae sniffing, but he let go of the doorknob. “Ok, Chan. Take some time alone, but I’m here if you need to talk about it.”

 

“I’m fine. But thank you.” Chan’s voice shook.

 

Junhui crawled back into his bed, unable to fall asleep again. He figured it was probably just stress for all of their work and concerts, and Chan just needed a breather, like they all did sometimes. It still hurt nonetheless. He lay in bed, waiting for Chan to come back out.

 

Inside the bathroom, Chan stared down at the palm of his hand. He sat slumped against the wall, tired and scared as he fingered the object in his hand.

 

It was too beautiful to have come out of Chan. It was dressed in a deep blue, with black borders, and white specks that made it look like it sparkled. It seemed impossible to have happened. It scared him even more that he didn’t know why or what was even happening.

 

He fingered the blue petals, soft and silky against his cold skin. He stared down at them, unsure of what to do. His heart still ached, and now it beat even faster in fear.

 

Much to Junhui’s dismay, he stayed in there all night.


	2. Chapter 1

Chan awoke again, this time by the sound of knocking on the bathroom door. “Chan, you annoying brat, let me in!” Seungkwan’s voice was annoyed as Chan scrambled up to open the door.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered, and walked past the elder, who sighed and shut the door loudly. Chan was met with the gaze of Junhui, who sat on his bed with his laptop. “Chan, you ok?”

 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Chan smiled, his fingers still tingling from the petals. “Chan, you were in the bathroom all night,” Junhui accused worriedly. “I just fell asleep,” he lied, keeping a smile plastered on his face as he turned to get dressed.

 

Junhui opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it again once Chan slid his headphones on. Chan smiled at him as he passed by, walking out of the room nonchalantly.

 

He swallowed back a burning, itching feeling as he walked into the kitchen where most of the hip hop members sat.

 

“Good morning, Channie.” Seungcheol said affectionately, moving over a seat. Chan sat next to him carefully, reaching for a slice of toast.

 

“Ah!” Vernon slid the plate out of his reach, grin mischievous. “Aw,Vernon, I’m hungry.” Chan whined, “Why are you like this?”

 

“Dance us a little song and maybe your hyungs will give you some food.” Wonwoo used his chopsticks to grab a bit of rice, waving it tauntingly.

 

“Michael Jackson? Or some cute Pristin?” Seungcheol prompted, grinning. Chan felt his stomach go queasy again, and he clutched at it. The three elders mistakened it as a sign of hunger, and Seungcheol immediately reached to give him the toast.

 

“We were just kidding, Chan. Eat up.”

 

Chan felt a tickling in his throat, but he calmed and cleared it as he sat straighter. 

 

“Are they giving you a hard time?” Jeonghan lay a hand on Chan’s shoulder, squeezing it as he and Joshua walked into the room. 

 

“Feed the poor baby,” Joshua smiled sweetly, taking Vernon’s spoon. “Joshhh..” Vernon groaned as he got up to get another utensil. Chan shoved a spoonful of food into his mouth, hoping to soothe his throat, but it burned on the way down. He set the spoon down quietly.

 

“You alright, Channie?” Jeonghan bent down next to him, worry deepening on his hyungs’ faces. Chan opened his mouth to answer but gagged, clamping a hand over his mouth as he rushed to the bathroom.

 

“Chan!”

 

He ignored their cries as he shut the bathroom door, sliding down again. A handful of blue petals fell onto the white floor lightly. He found his hands desperately grasping to pick them up as his breathing increased in fear.

 

“Chan!” Jeonghan knocked on the door, “What happened?”

 

Chan hurriedly flushed the petals down the toilet, wiping his mouth as he stood on shaky legs. He opened the door to see the members standing outside, concerned.

 

“I’m ok,” he mumbled, but Junhui walked up to him and placed a cool hand on his forehead. “He was like this last night. I think he’s sick.”

 

At that, Jeonghan and Seungcheol immediately ushered him to lay on the couch, Joshua running to get a wet cloth.

 

“I don’t think you can go to practice today. I’ll tell our manager,” Wonwoo told him gently, and Chan only murmured in response. 

 

“I can still dance,” Chan protested, but Jeonghan shook his head. “Stay here and rest. I should see if one of us can stay here to look after you..”

 

“No, it’s ok.” Chan was desperate not to be a burden, “we all need to prepare for the comeback. I’ll be fine- I’ll just stay on this couch, I promise.”

 

“I doubt that,” Junhui smiled lightly, “You better not be playing video games.”

 

“Never.” Chan laughed, closing his tired eyes. Joshua continued to wipe his face gently, and Chan fell asleep. He didn’t even realize when his members left the dorm rooms, going to practice.

 

He woke up groggily and reached for his phone. Jeonghan had left a text:

_ Left for practice. Get some sleep and call us if you need, Channie.♡ _

Another text followed that:

_ If you’re done reading that text, get off your phone :) _

 

Chan laughed slightly and put his phone down, closing his eyes to concentrate on breathing. He didn’t know what was happening to his body, and he had no idea how to stop it.

 

He let his mind drift off again, dreaming of his members. A sudden thought caused him to bolt up, clutching at his chest. He threw the blanket off of him as he scrambled up.  _ It’s happening again. _

 

Chan stumbled across the room to the bathroom, but he collapsed before making it. His hands grasped at his throat desperately, and he coughed. 

 

It tickled as it came out, petals falling all over the floor. His chest ached as he slumped over the petals, exhausted. His vision was blurry and he gasped for air.

  
“ _ Chan _ ?” An all too familiar voice asked, voice an octave too high. Chan turned his body and looked up into the face of Joshua.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♡Thank you if anyone is reading this ♡ Love you!


	3. Chapter 2

“Chan?”

 

Chan hurled his body on the floor, trying to cover up the petals. “I’m just..I just fell that’s all,” Chan’s voice broke, and Joshua reached his hands out to help him up. Chan stiffened, refusing to move.

 

“Chan.” Joshua’s voice was soft, “get up.”

 

Chan obeyed silently, unable to look Joshua in the eye as the elder surveyed the mess under Chan’s feet. 

 

Joshua said nothing, grabbing a broom and cleaning up the petals while Chan stood in the corner, heart racing. Joshua discarded the petals into the trash, placing the broom back.

 

He walked out of the dorm room, and Chan looked back and forth, unsure of what to do. Gradually, he followed Joshua outside of his dorm. “Where are we going?” He peeped up quietly, but Joshua kept walking silently until they had reached Joshua’s room. Joshua unlocked the door, and Chan followed him inside.

 

“It’s nice sleeping alone.” Joshua finally spoke, walking over to his bed. He picked up a vase of small pink flowers on his nightstand.

 

“Joshua, I know you said you wanted to decorate, but..” Chan didn’t know how to say it, “is this what we’re talking about right now?”

 

“Do you know what kind of flowers these are?” Joshua asked Chan, who shrugged, not willing to talk about flowers now.

 

“Light pink sweet pea flowers. Aren’t they beautiful? Soft and sweet looking.” Joshua smiled slightly. “Yours, Chan, look very mesmerizing and deep. Dark, beautiful blue. So who do you love that is like that?”

 

“What?” Chan gaped. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Joshua blinked, surprised that he didn’t know. “Those petals that you threw up.” Chan felt his stomach go queasy. “Haven’t you wondered what that means?”

 

“Yes.” Chan blushed, and Joshua asked, “Well, have you seen a doctor?”

 

“A doctor? What for?” Chan asked dumbly, and Joshua sighed. “Those petals are the first stage in your illness.”

 

“I’m  _ sick _ ?” Chan asked in shock, sitting on Joshua’s bed. 

 

“It’s called the Hanahaki disease. You throw up petals first, then it can grow to entire flowers, then even worse. It happens because you have an unreciprocated love.” 

 

“I love someone?” Chan couldn’t process this, “I don’t even know who it is..”

 

“You can get rid of this disease by surgery. But..” Joshua paused, and Chan looked up, “but what?”

 

“But you lose those feelings for the person you love.”

 

“And if I don’t do the surgery?” 

 

“You could die.” Joshua told him, sitting down next to him. He put an arm around the maknae, rubbing his back comfortingly. “Don’t be too scared, Chan.” 

 

“What are you talking about? I’m scared shitless!” Chan complained, and Joshua didn’t bother to correct his language. “How do you know all this, Josh?”

 

“I know,” Joshua took a deep breath, “Because these pink flowers are  _ mine _ . I coughed them up.”

 

“ _ You _ ? You have it too?” Chan asked in disbelief, but he suddenly didn’t feel so alone. He clutched onto the elder’s arm lightly. “Who is it then? Who do you like?”

 

“Jeonghan, if it wasn’t obvious.” Joshua’s voice was gentle but there was something sadly bitter in his tone. “He loves Seungcheol though.”

 

“How long..?”

 

“It’s been at least a month or two. My process has been fairly slow, but I think yours is growing faster.”

 

Chan sat back, absorbing all of the information slowly. “So we both..we both have this. What do we do?”

 

“I’ve been living with it for a while, I suppose. You need to be more careful. You’re lucky it was me that came to check on you instead of someone else,” Joshua chided him, but he knew it wasn’t his fault. “If we can find out who you like early on, then we can try to stop this.”

 

“ _ I don’t know, _ though.” Chan said desperately, “I have no idea who it is.”

 

“It has to be someone that you interact with on a regular basis,” Joshua thought aloud, hands stroking Chan’s hair gently. “Is it a member?”

 

“Maybe?” Chan buried his face in his hands, “this is a disaster.”

 

“We’ll find it out,” Joshua encouraged, “until then, I think you should sleep here for a while. We can’t risk having the members find out right now, that is unless you want them to.”

 

“No, of course not. I’ll go get some of my stuff,” Chan stood, and but he turned back to hug Joshua. “Thank you for helping,” he whispered. Joshua smiled and watched him leave his room. He picked up one of his flowers, plucking at the pale pink petals. His sweet voice softly sang a small tune as he waited.

 

_ He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But like..how could I not include my ultimate ship Jihan lmao. Thank you for reading! I hope to update soon and make this story more exciting xx


	4. Chapter 3

“You  _ what _ ?” Jeonghan stood in Joshua’s doorway, hands on hips as he stared at Joshua and Chan, who sat on his bed with a guitar and laptops.

 

“I let him move some of his stuff over here. I just thought since we’re working on some music together, he could sleep over for a few weeks.”

 

“He’s supposed to be  _ resting _ .” Jeonghan said annoyed, “and are you going to be sleeping in the same bed?”

 

Chan smiled knowingly, “I might.” He looked at Jeonghan’s expression and added, “but I can sleep on Josh’s couch.”

 

“Your room is a floor away. Why can’t you just walk back and forth?” Jeonghan raised an eyebrow.

 

“Is there a big problem?” Joshua’s smile faded, and Chan jumped in, “If you want, I can take your room, and you can come here-“

 

“That’s not necessary,” Joshua gave Chan a glare. “Don’t worry, Jeonghan, I’ll take good care of him. Wanna stay, and we-“

 

Jeonghan left his room, walking up to his own room. Joshua’s eyes shook, and Chan put a hand on his shoulder. “Sorry..” he apologized, “buuut... I think Jeonghan was jealous!”

 

“Jealous of what?” Joshua laughed. “No, probably not.” He moved his guitar. “We better think of an actual song so I don’t have to lie about it.”

 

“Fine.” Chan smiled, “You’re too pure, Josh. That’s probably why your flowers look so fresh and cute.”

 

“Shut up.” Joshua attempted to hit him, but Chan avoided it giggling. Joshua turned serious as he said, “we’re gonna go have dinner with everyone. You think you can handle it?”

 

Chan nodded, “it’s just dinner-“

 

“Don’t you dare say ‘What could go wrong’, Chan.” Joshua groaned. “We don’t even know who you love, so maybe just stay fairly quiet. Pretend you’re still sick or something.”

 

“I mean, I  _ am _ sick. But ok.”

 

Chan followed Joshua down to Seventeen’s shared kitchen, ignoring his members’ gazes as he sat down.

 

“How you feeling, Channie?” Seungcheol asked, and Chan smiled brightly. “I think it was just a small stomach bug. I think I’ll be good for practice tomorrow.”

  
  


“Good.” Soonyoung had a warm smile as he sat down by Chan, eyes averting to the food. “We missed you at dance practice.”

 

Chan held a shaky smile as he shifted next to the elder. 

 

“Yeah, our star dancer was missing, and I had to take over some of your parts. It was horribly hard,” Minghao complained, but his grin said otherwise. 

 

Dinner carried on smoothly, with Chan and Joshua continually exchanging looks. Finally, as everyone was almost done, Soonyoung reached over to Chan. “Hey, Channie, come with me!”

 

Chan looked helplessly at Joshua as he followed his leader, signaling that he would be fine. Soonyoung brought him to his room that he shared with Vernon. 

 

“So I heard you ditched Jun and Seungkwan to write with Josh,” Soonyoung teased, and Chan smiled tightly. “Anyhow, I’m proud of you for helping write! But why I wanted to speak with you.. you know our song Flower?” 

 

Chan swallowed and nodded, “I love that song.”

 

“Well, I thought maybe you could make some choreo for it! I’ll help you if you want of course, but I think you can do it.” Soonyoung’s smile was huge as he leaned closer to Chan.

 

“I..I..” Chan felt his body go cold as he stared into Soonyoung’s bright eyes. The elder continued to smile, his lips a beautiful, dark color. Chan felt his vision darken, and his chest constricted.

 

“I’ll do it of course.” He stumbled up, “Thank you, Soonyoung, I’ll see you later.” Before Soonyoung could say anything else, Chan ran out of the room.

 

He had just burst into Joshua’s room when Joshua came in. He took one look at Chan and dropped his cup on the table.

 

“What is it?” Joshua knelt by Chan, who bent over. “Cough it up, Chan.”

 

Chan gagged and wheezed, and twice the amount of petals that normally came out fell onto the floor. Joshua surveyed the petals before helping Chan up, rubbing his back. “It’s ok, it’s ok,” he whispered. “Breathe.”

 

Chan gasped for breath before he slumped back against Joshua’s arms.

 

“Are you alright? What triggered it?” Joshua whispered, still rubbing his neck. Chan looked up into Joshua’s eyes, tears forming in his own. 

 

“Soonyoung,” he murmured, “I love Soonyoung.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short lil chapter for u! I’m getting busier with studying for exams and getting a job as well as going on vacation in a week but I will try to continue to write! Thank you for reading lovely people xx


	5. Chapter 4

Joshua kneeled by the couch, stroking a sleeping Chan’s hair gently. After calming the maknae down, Joshua had placed a blanket on him, letting him sleep with promises to talk about it in the morning.

 

Now, he moved quietly to write in his journal in the bathroom. His pen scribbled his thoughts and dreams as he listened to music through his headphones. Like every night, he wrote until his heart burned. All he had to do was think and write about Jeonghan until it finally happened. 

 

He pushed his journal onto the floor as he clutched at his chest, preparing. Each cough shook his entire body, his thin frame spasming. Something caught in his throat, and he reached down to pull it out. A tall, thin, pink flower lay in Joshua’s grasp, and he slumped back, breathing heavily. Every night, the flower grew bigger. Now, there were small thorns beginning to erupt out of the stem, and Joshua’s throat burned like there were scratches inside of him. 

 

He smiled and stood, taking his journal and flower as he walked to his bed. He put away the journal and climbed into bed. Joshua fingered the flower before placing it into the vase with the other ones.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Wake up, Josh.” Chan peered into the sleeping boy’s face, poking at him.

 

“Go away,” Joshua groaned, unused to waking up with someone else in the room. “Or I’ll send you back to your own room.”

 

“You don’t mean that,” Chan pouted, sitting back. “Wake up! We have a lot to do.”

 

“Mmm..” Joshua moaned, hiding under the blanket more. His eyes flew open once he heard choking, and he tossed the covers aside, ready to help.

 

Chan looked at him from the floor, hands around his throat. He dropped his hands and smiled. “Good, you’re up.”

 

“I hate you.” Joshua said, but he couldn’t force himself to sound angry as he dropped back into his bed. “Come on, Joshua.” Chan sighed, and Joshua reluctantly got up to wash his face. “Give me a minute then, kid.”

 

Chan waited, a huge grin on his face when he saw Joshua walk out of the bathroom, eyes still showing annoyance.

 

“We  _ do _ have a lot to discuss,” Joshua admitted. “Do you want breakfast first?”

 

“I already ordered us some food.” Chan smiled sweetly, and Joshua sighed, unsure of whether to be grateful or not.

 

“Ok then. The Hoshi problem.”

 

“I guess you could call it, Woes with Hosh. Am I right?” Chan looked happy with himself while Joshua facepalmed. “That barely rhymes, and even if it did it was horrible. Why are you so happy about this?”

 

“Because I know Soonyoung won’t like me. So I might as well live happily for now.” 

 

“You don’t know that, Chan! You have a while, and you can do so much.” Joshua told him seriously. “What about you?” Chan asked worriedly, “don’t you have time too?”

 

“I don’t know.” Joshua said honestly, “but right now we’re focusing on you. So we need to figure out a way that you can spend time with him.”

 

Chan shrugged silently, looking out the window.

 

“Well you’re in the same team! Dance with him or something. Ask him to buy you lunch, or watch some movie together.” Joshua sighed, racking his brain. “Do something you both like where you can connect.”

 

“Well..Soonyoung asked me if I wanted to choreograph Flower, and he offered to help me.” Chan said nonchalantly, and Joshua smacked him. “You brat, you could’ve told me before I emptied my brain for you.” He kept hitting him affectionately until Chan squirmed away, whining.

 

“But what if I mess up? Or cough up flowers in front of him?” Chan said nervously. “What if I can’t do it?”

 

“You can. The thing you need to do is get all your thoughts out at once so you can cough it all up in private. Then, you can hang out with him with a clear mind.”

 

“I don’t think that’ll work for me. I need to be thinking when dancing anyway,” Chan grumbled. “But you get to spend time with him. You know, get closer to him,” Joshua smiled, “Your daily dose of Hosh.”

 

“ _ Shut up _ !” Chan giggled, cringing but laughing at the same time. “I guess you’re right. I might as well try right?”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Joshua encouraged him, standing up. “I should help you too,” Chan smiled innocently, and Joshua whirled to look at him. “Don’t you dare, Lee Chan, or I’ll steal your date.”

 

Chan dodged Joshua’s grip, laughing as he ran out of Joshua’s room. Joshua had the decency to refrain from shouting as he ran softly after the maknae.

 

Both of them ran into Seokmin, who looked startled as he kept his cup from spilling its contents.

 

“Slow down!” He told Chan, looking at Joshua who calmly grabbed the youngest in a grip. Seokmin grinned and joined in what seemed to be a hug, sighing happily when he heard Chan whine.

 

“Oh, you better watch out for Jeonghan downstairs. He’s kind of annoyed,” Seokmin grinned, walking on to his own room. “Wait,  _ why _ ?” Joshua called to him, but Seokmin ignored him.

 

“I’m sure Mingyu just did something dumb,” Chan smiled encouragingly, pushing Joshua down to the kitchen. 

 

Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Minghao sat around a table. The trio looked up when Joshua and Chan walked in.

 

“Where is everyone?”

 

Minghao gave them a look. “Of course Wonwoo is still asleep, probably with Mingyu. You should know Jihoon too. Who knows where Vernon and Seungkwan are, and Jun is sitting outside.”

 

“And Soonyoung?”

 

“Right here,” Soonyoung spoke, squeezing past them to get to the fridge. Chan felt his heart race, and Joshua wrapped him in a hug. Jeonghan’s eyes turned to slits before he smiled warmly.

 

“Come sit with us and eat.”

 

“I ordered Josh and I some-“

 

“Sit. Down.” Jeonghan told him, and the two gulped, obeying. Seungcheol seemed unfazed as he continued to eat, reading something on his phone. 

 

“Vocal day?” Chan prompted, looking between the two 95 liners. Jeonghan nodded, eyes still sharp. Joshua attempted a smile but turned away, eyes downcast. Jeonghan frowned, “Shua, are you ok?”

 

Joshua nodded, keeping his mouth shut. Soonyoung sat down next to Chan. “Are you ready for today?” 

 

Chan smiled nervously in response.

“It’s a secret,” Soonyoung told the others when he saw their looks, grinning evilly. “But you’ll love it when it is finished.”

 

Seungcheol groaned, “ _ Please _ tell me you won’t make the choreography hard. Or at least make it hard in a song where I don’t have to dance.”

 

Soonyoung looked at Chan expectantly, and Chan laughed, “I’ll make sure I find the best moves for you to do.”

 

Seungcheol protested, knowing this meant he would get hard choreo anyway. “Let’s go right now,” Chan begged Soonyoung, who didn’t complain as he stood.

 

Joshua raised an eyebrow at Chan, who shrugged. He would take chances even if it costed him his life. Which right now, it sort of did.

  
  
  
  


Chan and Soonyoung entered the practice room, the younger immediately reaching to turn on the music for Flower. “Woah, hold on, Chan,” Soonyoung laughed, taking a hold on the younger’s arm. “Shouldn’t we slow down a little?”

 

“Slow down? What should we do first then, Mr. Professional?”

 

“Let’s stretch first and just have a little talk about what you might want to do. I know you’ll take this seriously, but we should really think together,right?” Soonyoung plopped down, beckoning for Chan to sit next to him.

 

Soonyoung played the song while the two stretched, both quiet as they listened to the lyrics, absorbing different meanings and ideas. “I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve had time alone,” Chan admitted, and Soonyoung nodded understandingly. “You have been distant, haven’t you?”

 

“ _ Me _ ?” Chan squinted, “I haven’t done anything.”

 

“Exactly.” Soonyoung’s eyes sparkled as he stood, “so show me what you got, Lee Chan.”

 

Chan sprung to his feet lightly, unable to resist a dancing challenge. Soonyoung shifted, “Don’t think that just because you’re so young you can beat me!”

 

“Ok,” Chan grinned, “Turn the music on again then, and we’ll see.” All of his butterflies in his stomach vanished as he danced with Soonyoung, and he realized this was why he hadn’t known that Soonyoung had been the one at first.

 

He felt comfortable and warm around the elder, like he could trust and be loved by him. He put his hands on Soonyoung’s shoulders as they practiced, both unfazed by anything. Despite his constricted breathing, Chan found that he could breathe and think clearly. Nothing itched or burned inside of his chest like it usually did. And Chan loved it.

 

Practice ended with Chan collapsing on top of Soonyoung, both sweaty and exhausted. Chan didn’t move his head from the older’s chest as Soonyoung murmured, “You did good today, Channie.”

 

Chan smiled tiredly as he looked up into Soonyoung’s face. “Want to buy me a meal then?” He made a cute gesture, and Soonyoung groaned, rolling away.

 

“You’re too cute, Channie. I can’t handle it,” Soonyoung laughed, sitting up, arms raised expectantly. Chan helped him stand up, embracing him as they walked out. “Thank you, hyung.” 

 

“You’re awfully clingy today,” Soonyoung said affectionately, “I’ll buy some food for this hard working kid, and get him to bed.”

 

Chan’s eyes lit up, and the two continued walking. They’d just reached their floor when Chan finally dared to open his mouth again. “Soonyoung?”

 

“Hm?” The elder hummed, turning to his room, “Let’s both get a shower first, and then we can-“

 

“Actually.” Chan blushed, “I was hoping I could talk to you for a little.”

 

Soonyoung shrugged as he turned the key, “Of course, Chan. What is it?”

 

“Well-“

 

“ _ Shua _ !” Jeonghan was crying, panic evident in his voice. Chan pulled away from Soonyoung and rushed to the singer, who was pounding on Joshua’s door. 

“Jeonghan, what? What happened?”

 

“We were just talking when he suddenly looked like he was having a panic attack, and he ran in his room!” Jeonghan ran his hands through his hair, “He won’t let me in!”

 

Chan used his hands to flail at the two elders, trying to shoo them away. “Let me handle it.”

 

“Chan, what are you talking about? Let  _ you _ handle it?” Jeonghan looked worried and mad. “Joshua, let me in!”

 

Chan’s mind spun for a moment before he turned to Soonyoung and Jeonghan. “I’m sorry, hyungs.” He apologized, and his hands shot out. He pushed them onto the floor harshly, and the two landed with a loud thud, lying there stunned as Chan took out a key and let himself into the room. The door clicked shut, and Soonyoung leaped up, pounding on the door.

 

“Lee Chan, I’m going to kill you!” 

 

Inside, Chan scrambled to find Joshua. “Joshua, I was having a good moment with Soonyoung for once! What happened that you ruined it?” He walked towards the bathroom and swung the door open. His eyes widened at the sight, and his legs almost gave out.

 

Joshua lay on the floor, eyes glazed over, face pale and sweaty. Beside him, a pink flower lay, much larger than those in the vase. Large thorns were stuck on the stem of the flower, droplets of blood stained on them. Joshua’s mouth was partially open, blood spilling out of it and onto the white floor.

 

“Joshua!” Chan collapsed next to him, taking his ice cold hands. “Shua, wake up!” He shook the elder’s head gently until Joshua moaned.

 

“Joshua, we need to get you to a hospital!” Chan said, eyes growing more fearful as seconds passed. Joshua lifted a hand weakly, and Chan bent down closer. 

 

“Please don’t tell Jeonghan.” Joshua whispered. “Please..I’m alright.”

 

“Joshua, I can’t let you.. you’re going to  _ die _ .” Chan shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I need to get you help.”

 

Chan stood and ran to unlock the door, calling for his members, trying to ignore  Joshua’s broken and pained screams that followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long ass chapter, but I’m also going on vacation so I probably won’t be able to update it unless I find enough time and WiFi. I’ll still try hard to write though, so I can have many chapters when I return :) LOVE U ALL ♡♡♡


	6. Chapter 5

Chan can still remember all of the events of the night. He still remembers Jeonghan and Soonyoung’s shocked looks, their surprise turning into pained worry in just a few seconds. He can still remember the cool, fresh night as the members ran outside. He remembers how pale Joshua looked, and he can still hear the screams and begs, the only thing that showed a sign of life.

 

He can still feel Joshua’s blood on his skin, sticky and warm. He can still hear Jeonghan’s sobs and the way Seungcheol tried to comfort him. He wished that Joshua had been there to see the way Jeonghan had pushed him away. 

 

He can still feel the warmth and comfort that drowned him when Soonyoung held him. No questions were asked, and all of the members sat in silence, waiting in the hospital for news.

 

Eventually, a nurse hurried to Chan’s side, bending down to whisper to him. “The patient, Joshua, has been requesting you. I’m afraid he’s being quite uncooperative right now, and I think it would be best if you could accompany him.”

 

All eyes stared at him as Chan got up to follow the nurse. “Josh needs me,” he explained, as if that alone gave them all the answers they needed. Chan was almost to the door when Jeonghan shot up.

 

“Chan!” Jeonghan whispered loudly, hurrying to catch up to the youngest. “Let me come too.”

 

“Jeonghan...I don’t think you can.”

 

“Please,” he begged, “why do you get to see him, and I don’t?”

 

Chan hesitated, desperately wanting to share the information to the person who mattered most. But he’d already betrayed Joshua’s trust.

 

“If you love him then come tell him yourself. Otherwise, I have to go see him now.” Chan turned away before he could see Jeonghan’s response, hurrying into Joshua’s hospital room. 

 

It took one step for him to instantly want to bolt out of the room. He had no idea how the members hadn’t heard him down the hall. Two nurses were trying to restrain a screaming Joshua, who lay on the bed.

 

Chan had to blink again to make sure that was actually Joshua- Joshua, who was normally calm, sweet, and mischievous. What had his love done to him?

 

“Joshua! Josh!” Chan ran to his side, gently pushing the nurses aside. “I’m here, Joshua.”

 

The American stilled, eyes blinking as he turned to look at Chan. “Channie?” He asked hoarsely.

 

“I’m here, I promise.” Chan leaned next to him. “Joshua, I’m so sorry. You know I would never hurt you like this unless I really want to help you.”

 

“It’s my own fault..” Joshua almost laughed. His face was still pale. “I should’ve… I should’ve taken care of my own feelings.”

 

“Do they know?”

 

“I promise I didn’t tell anyone.” Chan heard the nurses shift behind him. 

 

“If you’d like, then, we can start the surgery.” A nurse said meekly. Joshua’s eyes flew open again, and he rushed to move.

 

“Joshua, don’t! Calm down!” Chan begged desperately. “I’m not doing the surgery, Chan! You know what’ll happen!”

 

“You’ll live, Joshua!”

 

“I’m as good as dead without my own feelings! You can’t take that away from me. Who am I without that?”

 

“Joshua, you’ll  _ live _ !” Chan cried, crumpling down on the floor. “You’ll fucking live!”

 

“I don’t want to anymore.”

 

And Chan’s heart shattered. The sound of his voice, lost and hopeless like it’d never been before.

 

“Joshua, you can’t do this. I’m too selfish. I’m caring for myself right now, that’s true. But that’s because I can’t do this without you. And you can’t leave Jeonghan!”

 

“I’ll be leaving him either way. I’d rather die knowing I loved to the fullest,” Joshua turned his face away. “I’m sorry, Chan. You know I love you all.” His gentle, soothing voice had returned, which only made it all the more harder for Chan.

 

He shifted quietly, “I’m sorry too, Joshua.” Chan stuck the needle in with one swift motion.

 

Joshua’s eyes widened in realization, but his body slowly went numb, and he was rendered useless. Chan fought back increasing tears as he cupped his hands around Joshua’s neck, lowering him down gently to the pillow.

 

“You won’t remember this, Josh.” Chan choked out, “And you’ll never remember that this was a hard decision that I’ll always be sorry for.. I’m really sorry..”

 

Joshua’s eyelids closed shut gently, a tear just on the edge of his lashes, threatening to run down his cheek.

 

Chan stepped away, motioning for the nurses to take him to the surgery room. His legs were stiff as he stumbled out into the hall, ignoring the looks from all of his members and managers. 

 

Soonyoung embraced him, a gesture that prompted Chan to burst into tears, making his shirt wet. He could barely fight back a now familiar itching sensation in his throat. He crumpled into a chair, Soonyoung’s arms still around him as he felt his eyelids close. Chan let the darkness wash over him, flowers and pain disappearing for this short moment.

  
  
  


“Family of Joshua Hong?”

 

“Um, yes. We’re here for him,” Seungcheol stood, looking to the manager for confirmation. “We called his parents, and they should be coming tomorrow.”

 

“Alright. The surgery was fortunately successful, and he’s been awake for at least half an hour. I don’t advise that you see him yet, but if you’d like-“

 

Chan and Jeonghan were already rushing off to the room. The other members shifted uneasily, following at a slower pace.

 

“Shua?” Jeonghan asked softly, peering into the room. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I’ve felt better,” Joshua smiled faintly, shifting on the bed. “Were you worried?”

 

“Of course I was! Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling good?” Jeonghan scolded, laying a hand on top of the American’s. “What happened, Joshua?”

 

“I...I don’t remember.” Joshua shrugged, “I think I was just sick or something.”

 

“You needed  _ surgery _ .” 

 

“Well it’s over now,” Joshua shrugged again. “I just want to get home already.”

 

“Can’t we talk about it? Shua, it’s  _ me _ .” Jeonghan looked hurt, but Joshua barely softened. “Look, I don’t remember, ok? And I’m tired.”

 

Jeonghan sighed in pained frustration, getting up to leave. “Sorry I even thought I could care for a minute.” He left the room, letting the door swing back and forth loudly.

 

Chan had stayed motionless this entire time, and he could hear Jeonghan muttering loudly to the rest of the members that they were wasting their time. Now, he turned to look at Joshua, who didn’t seem to care that he was in the room.

 

“Joshua..you really don’t remember  _ anything _ ?”

 

“Sorry to disappoint, Chan.” Joshua sighed, “to be honest, I feel really weird- like I  _ should _ be remembering. But I can’t.”

 

“Maybe it’s for the best..” Chan murmured sadly, and Joshua’s head tilted to the side. “Why?”

 

Chan brightened forcefully, “No reason. Don’t worry, just rest so we can go back home.” He turned to leave.

 

“Chan?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Is Jeonghan ok?”

 

Chan stopped, afraid to turn around to look at him. “What?”

 

“He seems..I don’t know, different.” Joshua was genuinely confused and worried. “I guess I shouldn’t have been so abrupt with him. It’s just..something’s changed, and I can’t figure out what.”

 

Chan was speechless, and he began to leave slowly, unsure of what to do.

 

“Don’t think about it too much, Josh. I don’t want you to get hurt again.” He said softly, leaving before  _ he _ could get hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back and better than ever! Actually jk I’m still shit lmao. A meh chapter? And ive been focusing so much on Joshua (bless that angel) so I promise I’ll get more chan soon! Thanks for reading♪(´ε｀ )


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I KNOW ITS BEEN FOREVER IM SORRYYYYY here’s a chapter my lovely peeps! ♡

Chan couldn’t sleep anymore. He moved back into his own room with Seungkwan and Junhui, but it was like living in hell.

 

He shook with guilt in his dreams, and he struggled to continue to hide his secret from the others. It was hard without Joshua. It was even harder when the petals turned into small buds.

 

He couldn’t control it, especially when he practiced with Soonyoung. The elder didn’t push it when Chan refused to talk about what happened that night. If the maknae noticed when Soonyoung stopped the other members from asking, he didn’t show it.

 

The only one that couldn’t be stopped was Jeonghan. His eyes penetrated into Joshua and Chan’s souls, clearing seeing that something had happened between the two.

 

It hurt Chan to avoid Jeonghan, but it hurt even more as he saw Joshua obliviously abandon his former love. 

 

Jeonghan approached the youngest a week after the incident.

 

“Chan.” Jeonghan put his body in the doorway, blocking Chan’s exit.

 

Chan stood from his bed, heart pounding. “Yes? Did you want to talk?”

 

“You know I do. I’ve let you go this long, but you need to tell me what happened.” Jeonghan have him a long, cool stare, and Chan cowered back slightly.

 

“I- I already said..I just found him lying there-“

 

“Stop lying! Stop lying to me!” Jeonghan shouted, hands clenching. “Joshua is my friend, but no one wants to tell me why he’s changed!”

 

“He’s still Joshua..” Chan trembled, and Jeonghan softened, eyes shifting past Chan, glazing over.

 

“We both know that’s not true.. Chan, I just want to know what happened. Did I do something wrong?”

 

“Why don’t you ask him?”

 

“He can’t remember… and every time I talk to him,” Jeonghan’s voice hitched, “It’s not the same.

 

“So I want to know, Chan, what happened? Did you do something?”

 

Chan shook his head, stepping backwards. “I can’t. I can’t say. You wouldn’t understand.”

 

Jeonghan’s eyes flashed in anger and pain, his frame trembling. “I have a right to know, Chan! He’s my friend, and I want to care for him! I don’t think  _ you’d _ understand.”

 

Chan whirled around, breathing hard as he almost screamed out his built-up anger and frustration.

 

“Do you think you’re the only one that’s had trouble with this? Do you think only you miss Joshua? Are you the only one who’s feeling so much pain right now?” Chan began to cry. 

 

“It hurts everyday. I feel like I can’t breathe; I feel like I’m drowning. It’s a dangerously beautiful feeling and no one will have ever understood that feeling but Joshua. You’re not the only one who’s lost him, Jeonghan.” 

 

Jeonghan slowly crumpled to the ground, hand trailing down the door. His eyes grew teary as he looked up at Chan.

 

“It’s just.. Joshua and I have been through so much.. he’s always been there for me. Chan, I don’t want him to forget our memories,” he cried, “ I just want him to know how much I love him.”

 

Chan stiffened, trying to keep back screams and tears. “You should’ve told that to him sooner.”

 

Jeonghan’s small sobs followed Chan as he stepped past the elder, running as soon as he was out of his room.

 

Tears blinded his vision, and his chest felt heavy as he stumbled down the hall. 

 

Strong hands grasped his shoulders, preventing him from running blindly into a wall.

 

“Channie..” Soonyoung whispered worriedly, pulling him closer. “What’s wrong?”

 

Chan let out another small cry, hands clenching Soonyoung’s soft shirt. The fabric twisted in his desperate hands, dampening from tears.

 

“Talk to me,” Soonyoung tried to soothe him, rubbing a hand on the shaking boy’s back.

 

“Practice,” Chan gasped, “I want to practice.”

 

Soonyoung said nothing but slowly led him to the practice room,still keeping an arm around him. Chan kept his head down, trying to regain his composure.

 

“I’ll start the music,” Soonyoung offered, and the two began. Soonyoung said nothing unrelated to their dance, and Chan stayed quiet, appreciative. 

 

He let his body take over his mind and heart, sweat and bruises covering his emotional pain. His legs moved to the best of the song, and Chan forced other thoughts away.

 

It wasn’t until he collapsed onto the floor that Soonyoung switched the song off, slumping down beside him.

 

The two sat in silence some more, panting quietly. Chan coughed, and Soonyoung turned to him, eyes inspecting the whole situation.

 

“You’ve tired me out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sweaty,” Soonyoung sighed heavily, and Chan hastily apologized. “I’m sorry, Hosh, you should’ve told me-“

 

“C’mon then. I’ll let you make it up if we go have a coffee together.” Soonyoung smiled warmly, and Chan looked down. 

 

“I really shouldn’t-“

 

“You owe it to me since I’m helping you.” He said stubbornly, “Plus I want to spend some time with my favorite dongsaeng…”

 

“Stop it,” Chan laughed, dodging Soonyoung’s grabby hands. “I’ll go if you stop babying and guilt tripping me.”

 

“Deal.” Soonyoung helped him, satisfied as he grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. He switched the lights off and led Chan downstairs.

 

Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Seokmin passed by the duo, the chatter dying as they made eye contact.

 

“It’s late for practice,” Seungcheol noted, “You should get some rest.” His tone was gentle but his eyes were sharp. Seokmin smiled cheerfully, “We were going to eat something. Want to come?”

 

“Actually, I was taking Chan out for a bit, so we’ll pass.” Soonyoung spoke for the younger, smiling still.

 

“Oh..ok.” Seokmin shrugged, and Seungcheol patted Chan’s shoulder. “Be safe. Stay away from the press.”

 

“Yep,” Soonyoung nodded, starting to lead Chan away. Jeonghan, who had stayed silent this entire time, finally spoke up.

 

“Chan, can’t we talk more?” His eyes said it all- pleading, apologetic, confused, and hurt.

 

Chan stopped walking but his body refused to turn around. Soonyoung sensed the tension, and he took Chan by the shoulders, making sure to smile at Jeonghan lightly.

 

“Maybe Chan can talk to you later? We really need to go before it’s too late.” Soonyoung said politely, hurrying off with Chan before anything else could be said.

 

Chan followed with wide eyes, the two walking briskly in the setting evening. Finally, they stopped outside outside an area of shops and restaurants.

 

“So, Chan, what do you want?” Soonyoung asked him, and Chan looked up at the two places that they stood by. On the left, the sign for coffee was warm and welcoming. People inside looked cozy and relaxed. On the right, a dimly lit bar sat. The visitors laughed and drank and cried and drank more.

 

Soonyoung followed the boy inside, and they took a seat.

 

“You’re just of age, and I’m not promoting any of this,” Soonyoung grinned, “So drown your sorrows, you little broken soul, but if Seungcheol blames me..”

 

Chan was already drinking.

 

Soonyoung looked him up and down, taking a sip here and there. 

 

“It’s not fun if I’m the only one drinking.” Chan pouted, and Soonyoung laughed. “What do you know about drinking? Plus, we need at least one sane person for when you get wasted.”

 

“I won’t,” Chan said innocently. “Please, Soonyoung, drink with me.”

 

His voice was sad, so Soonyoung reached for a glass, eager to change his mood. “Fine, fine. But will we finally talk when I do?” 

 

“Sure.” Chan seemed hesitant, and he took another sip. Soonyoung sighed agreeingly and gulped the sweet taste down.

  
  
  


“I don’t want to go home…” the whine came, along with a sigh from the other.

 

“You’re drunk, and we need to go.. I know you want to stay-“

 

“Can’t we drink more?”

 

“Soonyoung, we need to go.” Chan looked down at him. He felt dizzy and tired, but he wasn’t drunk like the performance leader. Chan put Soonyoung’s arms around his shoulder, struggling to pay the bill at the same time.

 

Chan carried him outside, head still spinning as he stumbled along the pavement with the man on his back. They’d gone about half a mile when Chan took a break, exhausted. He set Soonyoung on the grass gently, the elder slumping to his side to puke.

 

Chan groaned and patted him on the back, trying to stay focused. Soonyoung sighed as he sat back up, shifting over. They sat silently, watching a nearby fountain shoot water into the night. A small child threw a coin into the bottom of the fountain, giggling as they followed their mom away.

 

Chan picked at the blades of grass, leaning his head back against Soonyoung. “ _ I _ was supposed to become drunk, not you.” Chan said without bitterness. His head still spun.

 

“Sorry,” Soonyoung laughed. “I don’t even remember...what we talked… you should’ve drunk more..”

 

“I suppose I should’ve,” Chan sighed. “But who’s take care of your stupid ass?”

 

Soonyoung let out another giggle, the sound quieting as he thought. “Channie..” he breathed deeply. “You take care of us all, but you never look out for yourself..”

 

Chan looked at him, dazed. “What?”

 

“I don’t like that you’re hurting by yourself..” Soonyoung said sadly. “I want you to talk to me, but I can tell you don’t want to.”

 

Chan shifted, still looking up at the dark sky. “I want to..I really want to.”

 

Soonyoung lay his head against Chan too, his hair softly brushing against Chan’s neck.

 

It happened fast and unexpected again. Chan leaned over and gagged, unsure of whether it was happening because of the alcohol or Soonyoung. His coughs were hoarse and rough, his chest aching. 

 

He lay back against Soonyoung, tears running and breath gasping. Soonyoung didn’t move, and Chan presumed he had fallen asleep. Relieved that his secret was still safe, Chan threw the blossoming buds away from them, the colored flowers just poking out of the grass. They were slightly darker than the sky.

 

Chan sighed again, closing his eyes.

 

“Chan..”

 

Soonyoung whispered softly, his tone sluggish and weak. “I know I don’t really  understand what’s happening..but you’re suffering. If you don’t want me to step in, that’s ok. But just know… you don’t have to struggle alone.

 

“I’m here. And I’ll take care of you.”

 

Chan swallowed, heart still burning. He wanted more alcohol, he wanted Joshua, he wanted Soonyoung’s love..he just wanted some relief. 

 

Maybe it was the drunkenness, maybe it was his impulsive manner, maybe he didn’t care. Or maybe he cared too much.

 

Either way, he found his lips muttering three words softly, and they slurred off so easily.

 

Chan closed his eyes again, already falling into a deep sleep.

 

“I love you too, Chan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love anyone who still reads this♡ thank you for taking time to, and ily! A small note to read pls in the next “chapter”♡


	8. Yea, sorry♡

Good afternoon/ morning my lovely readers! 

I know I haven’t updated in forever, and I apologize so much. And I have bad news:

 

it will continue to be like this. School is starting very soon, and I have a lot to do before it does. This year is my junior year too so it will be my busiest. All that means I will be so busy that I won’t have a lot of time to just think and write well like I used to. (By that I mean lots of time, not write well lolz rip me)

im also losing a lot of concentration on my stories because I’ve been stressed.

theres nothing I love more than writing and watching videos, but I want to be satisfied and happy with the material i post. I also want you all to enjoy it and love it too! 

I don’t want to feel pressured to have to post all the time, because that also means I’ll be so desperate to give you guys stuff that the chapters will be mediocre. And you all deserve better than that! I want to be happy and have time to write a good chapter that makes sense because I feel like I’m losing that? Idk. 

I wanted to let you know, because I know some people keep checking to see if ive updated, so I’m saying you don’t have to do that constantly. For at least a good month or two, I think I’ll only update maybe every other week or so. Idk yet. 

I will do my absolute best to not lose focus on all this and still continue this on a good basis. You all deserve the best, and I want you all to have that! So I’ll work hard to come back with lots of strong stuff, and I hope I get more free time to post a lot.

please don’t forget me :’) im not the best author but I try to do well, so I hope you can still read whatever I post every so often.

 

im babbling I’m sorry.

Lastly,

♡♡I LOVE YOU ALL!♡♡


	9. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with a lil chapter, I’m sorry I know I took forever, I’m practically like exo. (im not even sorry I’m just waiting for them ok) anyway I love u!♡

Chan stirred, hearing voices faintly arguing. He sighed contentedly, grasping the corners of his blanket.

 

His blanket.

 

Chan sat up, confused as his mind tried to remember the past night’s events. Why was he back in his bed? Where was Soonyoung?

 

His door was closed, but he could hear voices arguing in the hallway. It sounded like Jeonghan, Minghao, and Soonyoung.

 

Chan’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Soonyoung muttering an apology over and over to Jeonghan.

 

“I didn’t expect to get drunk and fall asleep. I get it, it’s my fault.”

 

“You put not only yourself but Chan in danger.” Jeonghan huffed. “Seungcheol is talking to the managers now to clear it up. What if fans saw you?”

 

“They didn’t..”

 

Chan was shocked to hear something like that come from his unit leader. Minghao answered for him.

 

“It doesn’t matter if they didn’t! You were lucky that Jonghyun and Ren found you. What would’ve happened if you had stayed out all night?”

 

Soonyoung was quiet. “I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to Chan. It really is my fault..”

 

The door opened, and Chan buried back under the covers, laying still. Soonyoung approached him, pausing.

 

“Chan, you can sit up now.”

 

Chan sat up sheepishly, turning to look at him. “What’s up?”

 

Soonyoung didn’t look that good, bags under his eyes, cheeks pink, still struggling with a hangover. He came to stand by Chan. “Look.. about last night.”

 

Chan’s cheeks flushed as bits and pieces of  memories flashed back. 

 

“I kind of forget what happened last night..I just remember that we sort of got drunk and fell asleep. But that’s my fault. I took you out to relieve your stress, but I probably just made it worse. And I risked your privacy and safety, so I’m sorry.”

 

“No,” Chan protested, but Soonyoung lifted a hand, waving him away. “It’s ok, Chan, you don’t have to stick up for my stupidity.” He swallowed, mouth tightening shamefully. “We should probably just stick to practicing for now then.”

 

Chan felt his heart sink, and he nodded numbly. “Ok..”

 

Soonyoung smiled. “Alright then. I’ll see you later. Don’t forget we have the fan meeting today.” Chan nodded and started to climb out of bed, but the sight of something made him freeze.

 

“What is that?” 

 

Soonyoung looked to what he was pointing to. “Oh that. Apparently Nu’est found us last night when they were getting some food. We’ll have to thank them later, because they drove us home. Anyway, Ren noticed those scattered around us and took them. They’ll probably open more. It kind of fits us and our song, doesn't it, Channie?” He smiled as he started to leave.

 

Chan swallowed, staring at the bunch of deep blue plants in tall vase. The budding flowers were already beginning to open up.

 

“Yeah, it does.”

  
  
  
  


Chan sat in a corner, watching Soonyoung practice, his smooth and fluid moves echoing the dancer’s cool, sweet vibe. Chan felt something inside of him lurch sharply as he watched Soonyoung and Wonwoo laugh. Soonyoung seemed to light up just with the presence of the rapper, but Chan couldn’t look away, despite the burning feeling in his chest.

 

“You’re going to get hurt.” 

 

“What?” Chan was startled, turning to look into the speaker’s face. 

 

Joshua knelt down beside him, crossing his legs as he leaned against the wall. “I see you, looking at him, talking with him, dancing and drinking. You’ll just get hurt when you realize you never stood a chance.”

 

Chan frowned, hurt blossoming inside of him as he froze, at a loss for words. “I-“

 

“It’s fine, Chan.” Joshua shrugged. “I know you’ll deny it, but it’s the truth. They’ll never love you no matter how much you give to them. It’s never enough.”

 

“Joshua..?” Chan murmured softly. “Do you remember..no, is there something going on?”

 

“No.” Joshua shrugged again. 

 

“Then how do you know? Do you like someone?”

 

“I think I did.” Joshua sighed. “But I don’t know anymore. I don’t think there’s anything special with anyone here.” He paused, and then, “Chan, I think there’s something wrong with me. I want to remember something so badly, but I just can’t, ya know?”

 

Chan looked away. “Josh..”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t care, but at the same time, I know I’m missing something. And I feel bad that I don’t know.”

 

“It’s not your fault, Josh..” The youngest whispered, but Joshua shook his head. “I’ve done something stupid haven’t I? God, why don’t I know? What did I do?”

Chan swallowed. “I’m sorry, Joshua,” he burst out suddenly, unable to stop the words, flowing with guilt and spontaneity.  “It was my fault!”

 

Joshua tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

 

Shaking, Chan grabbed his hand, pulling him up and out of the practice room. He grabbed the key that he still had from before and unlocked Joshua’s dorm room, dragging the American inside. Joshua made protests but willingly sat down at Chan’s request.

“Look,” Chan paced, “I know you’ll hate me for this. I know it’s horrible and wrong and.. I just… you deserve to know now.”

 

“Channie, don’t scare me,” Joshua cracked a smile, “sit down with me.” He patted the bed. “I’ll listen.”

 

“I didn’t mean to..I mean I did, but it had to happen..” Chan said, eyes wide and scared. “I just didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t have that happen and-“

”Chan. Deep breaths, ok? I won’t get mad at you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that.” He gave him a reassuring smile, and Chan sighed, breathing slowly.

“Ok. You had something called the Hanahaki Disease, where you grow flowers in your lungs because of an unreciprocated love. You cough up petals and buds.. until-until it grows to a point where you die.”

 

Joshua froze, eyes widening. “What? I know what that is.. and..  _ I _ had that?”

 

Chan hurried on before he could break down. “You got to that point, and you were taken to the hospital where I..I forced you into the surgery.”

 

“Chan, no..” Joshua murmured, tears forming. “That’s why I’m like this? That’s why I can’t..I don’t..”

 

“Yes,” Chan sobbed. “Yes, it was my fault-“

 

“Who was it?” Joshua interrupted, voice still soft and calm. “Who did I love?”

 

“Jeonghan.” Chan’s voice cracked. “You loved him, and now you don’t..and.. and it’s all my fault.”

 

The door swung open, and the intruder stumbled in, kneeling on the floor. He looked up, tears already slipping down his angry face as he looked up at the frightened and guilty duo. He was shaking with anger and pain, fists clenching as he started to stand.

 

Joshua swallowed, shifting back. “Jeonghan, it’s not- I’m not-“

 

Chan covered his face with his arms as Jeonghan flew forward, screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter for u all, also I will never believe jihan is dead, they are still beautiful ok?? Anyway just a quick update, have a good day :)


	10. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof it’s been forever I’m sorry <3 short update for y’all though

“Jeonghan, don’t!”

 

Chan closed his eyes, bracing for the hit, the tears, and the pain that he knew he deserved. But nobody touched him. 

 

“Joshua!” Jeonghan flew past Chan and wrapped his arms around the young man, voice full of emotion. “Joshua, did you really love me?”

 

“Jeonghan..” Joshua looked stunned, hands weakly pushing at him to move away. “I don’t.. I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Say what you mean. Say the  _ truth _ , Shua,” Jeonghan begged, eyes desperate. “Is it true?”

 

He hesitated, and it seemed like they were the only two in the room as he looked into Jeonghan’s eyes tenderly. “I really think I did, Jeonghan.. I think I loved you so much that it almost killed me.” He paused as Jeonghan’s expression changed, hands clinging tighter, as Joshua chose his words carefully. “But..”

 

“But?”

 

“..but I loved you, maybe even  _ too _ much. And maybe it’s because I forget, maybe you’ve changed, maybe  _ I’ve _ changed... but I don’t see you that way anymore.” Joshua said, sadness showing on his gentle features.

 

Chan could practically hear Jeonghan’s heart shattering. His face showed it all, his eyes dimming, his hopeful smile fading away, tears beginning to shine. “What?”

 

“I’m sorry..I just, I can’t love you like that anymore.” Joshua said sincerely, “You know I can’t remember anything we might’ve had..”

 

“But we can redo it all. Make more memories?” Jeonghan murmured, pleading. “Get through this life together.. like we always have.”

 

Joshua’s voice shook, and he struggled to keep himself together. “I don’t think it’ll be the same.. I don’t think that it’ll be how I used to want it or how you want it to be now.”

 

“Why? Why?” Jeonghan’s voice grew louder, and he finally turned to face Chan. “What did you do to him to make him like this?”

 

“I had no choice,” the younger tried to keep his face expressionless. He knew that he’d break down if he didn’t. “He was going to die.”

 

“Is this any better?” Jeonghan snarled. “This isn’t Joshua anymore, and it’s your fault!”

 

“It’s not, it’s not,” Joshua repeated over and over, coming over to shield Chan protectively with his gentle arms. Jeonghan watched the exchange with glaring eyes, “So what? You two have been in love with each other, huh? That’s why you spent all that time together?”

 

“Any time before the surgery, Joshua had true feelings for you and you only.” Chan murmured. “Lies.You’re just a liar!” Jeonghan muttered angrily, hands clenching and unclenching.

 

“Stop it, Jeonghan, please,” Joshua murmured, “Please don’t act like this..”

 

“Does it matter anymore? What do i matter to you now?” Jeonghan asked. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

 

“That isn’t true,” Joshua refused, “I love you as my friend, and I care about you.”

 

Jeonghan frowned, and he stormed to the door. “I’ll never forgive any of you.” He closed the door with an angry slam, and Joshua moved to go after him. Chan put a hand on his arm, “I’ll go. It’s better you just stay away for a little..think about everything.”

 

Chan didn’t wait for a response, running out the door to catch up to the elder. “Jeonghan!”

 

“Chan. Don’t.”

 

“He really did love you. How you didn’t see it, I don’t know. But it was always real, and it’s still there.” He spoke quickly and desperately, “He knew it, but he wouldn’t get rid of it to save his life. I did what any other member did, and if you really loved him too, you’d understand that.”

 

“Don’t talk about ‘love’ with me, Chan. You don’t get it, do you?”

 

Chan was fuming with emotion and anger, but he held it back. “I do.” He said tightly. “And you should look at yourself before you start yelling at me and Josh. I told you to talk to him, to tell him you love him- you both could’ve been sitting there right now, happy and together! So is it my fault that I wanted to do whatever I could to save him?”

 

“It’s too late.” Jeonghan had his back turned, but Chan could tell he was crying, his shoulders shaking with a quiet sadness and bitter, guilty ache.

 

“It isn’t. You missed your first chance, but your other chance is right back in that room you just ran away from,”Chan shrugged.

 

“He won’t love me again..”

 

“He waited for you. Now you should wait for him.” Chan told him, turning away. Jeonghan didn’t say anything, standing there shamefully and silently while Chan walked away.

 

Chan quietly opened the door to Joshua’s room again. “Josh?” He whispered, then stopped to listen. Joshua’s breath was broken, and he hiccuped with every shake of his body and each tear that splattered silently onto his lap. His gentle face was hidden in his trembling hands, his voice cracked as he repeated over and over, “I love you, I love you, I’m sorry.”

 

Chan hesitated, debating whether to go over to one of his best friends. Joshua, who’d shared his secret, Joshua who’d taken him under his wing, Joshua who made him laugh when Soonyoung could not, Joshua, the man, the brother, and the friend who he had done anything to save him.

 

Yet even though he wanted to, Chan could not give him the comfort he needed right now- only one person could do that.

 

Chan walked away quietly.

  
  
  
  
  


Chan hadn’t had practice with Soonyoung since that night, and he wondered if the elder was avoiding him. Worse, he wondered if he had remembered their talk that night,and those three fatal words that had been said. Maybe it was better that he didn’t come near him, because Chan knew it was only a matter of time before he would have to address the exact same issue that Joshua had been forced to. 

 

Chan’s flowers had begun to almost completely bloom, and he recalled Joshua’s words.  _ My process has been fairly slow, but I think yours is growing faster. _

 

Still, it didn’t seem to occur as much when Soonyoung was gone, and Chan had been so busy with Joshua and Jeonghan that he hadn’t had much time to think about it. But Chan knew his luck would run out. 

 

“Channie!” A cheerful voice exclaimed, and Chan froze, keeping his eyes closed as he lay on the couch in a small ball. “Chan, are you sleeping?”

 

“What’s it look like?” He muttered, shifting away from the beautifully annoying voice. 

 

“Chan?”

 

Chan finally sighed, turning over to look at Soonyoung who sat next to him expectantly. “What?”

 

“It’s been a little while since we last got alone time, and we haven’t been choreographing Flower.”

 

“I have been by myself,” Chan said tiredly, and he watched as a flash of hurt and surprise showed on Soonyoung‘s face. It disappeared quickly though, soon replaced with a proud smile. “Really? I’m glad you’ve done a lot by yourself then. You didn’t even really need me did you?”

 

“No, no,” Chan backtracked, suddenly nervous. “Of course I needed you! You got me started, and plus, I could use help on some finishing touches.”

 

Soonyoung broke into a big smile. “Of course! I’m always glad to help you. Soon you’ll be the one to replace me as unit leader.”

 

Chan only laughed, shaking his head. The duo quieted down in awkward silence before Soonyoung spoke again. “Chan?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“What?”

 

“I said, What’s wrong?” Soonyoung leaned closer to him, and Chan sucked in his breath. “I know something’s been bothering you lately. Is it about Joshua?”

 

“A little,” Chan admitted, “I’ve been trying to help him and Jeonghan all this time while dealing with my own problems, but it’s just hard.”

 

“I don’t suppose you want a drink do you?” Soonyoung smiled teasingly, and Chan chuckled, “Honestly, I wish we could.”

 

“I think Jeonghan will find a way to get back to Joshua. But look, Chan, I know you’re hiding a lot of things about him and you and who knows what else..and I haven’t asked, and I’m not making you talk now, but..” Soonyoung bit his lip, “You know you can trust me, right? I’ll listen and try to understand and help you.”

 

“I..I know that, hyung.” Chan said slowly, eyes avoiding Soonyoung. Soonyoung took a deep breath, and it was clear that he was trying to hold back as he said, “So do you want to talk then?”

 

“Well..” Chan said helplessly, looking around for a distraction,  _ anything _ to get him out of this. “Well..it’s just..” Nothing came.

 

“You used to tell me almost everything, Channie.” Soonyoung said softly, “Did something change?”

 

_ My feelings for you. _

 

“I’m just.. busy that’s all,” Chan said lamely. He knew that was dumb, the feeling intensified when he saw Soonyoung’s expression. “Oh..alright.” Soonyoung said forcefully, standing up stiffly. “Wait,” Chan’s heart raced as he grabbed the elder’s arm suddenly. He wanted him to stay. “Please don’t go.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I can’t tell you yet.. It’s not right for any of us, but I will, I promise, when it matters most..” Chan bit his lip, he knew he was begging and desperate, but he continued on, “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

 

Soonyoung shifted quietly then moved back beside him, expression softer. “Alright then. I’ll trust you a little longer. And I’ll stay here until you’re ok.” He lay Chan’s head onto his lap, stroking his hair gently as he murmured. “Please don’t do it alone.”

 

“We’ll get hurt,” Chan mumbled, trying not to flinch at the elder’s touch. It already hurt inside of him. “We can help each other,” Soonyoung told him. “Just..let me be here.”

 

Chan couldn’t breathe. He turned cold and still, heart pounding but breath unmoving. His chest and heart ached, but he couldn’t show that. So he turned to Soonyoung and smiled as he told him something he’d wanted to say for a long time, even if he hadn’t known it. 

 

“I don’t ever want to leave you, Soonyoung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all, and thank you for still supporting me T-T I got a Twitter as well recently @summer_in_jun if you wanna talk more and be mutuals! Love u all again <3


End file.
